Thursday, June 12, 2014

Fertility and PCOS

Warning –

Below, I am being very honest about wanting a baby ASAP and I might get a little TMI. If you are my brother or any other male, I urge you to stop reading this post. I’ll sum it up for you – I want to conceive a baby with all my heart. I am greatly looking forward to being a mommy one day.
I would like it to be sooner rather than later.  
Again, please stop reading if you do not want to read my TMI.
Do you know the only 'thing' I think about these days are babies?
They are on my mind constantly. At home, at work, at the store, while eating out, while watching TV… you get the picture.
You might even say I am a bit obsessed with all things babies.
I do admit to being completely obsessed with pinning baby nurseries, baby toys, baby outfits, baby supplies and all other baby products and ideas on Pinterest. Not only do I have a public baby folder, I also have a private one in order to not seem so baby obsessed. It's like I am hiding my addiction. LOL!
I am obsessive when I look at soon to be mommy blogs going from one blog to another in search of baby announcement ideas, gender reveals and baby birthing stories. Then, once a blogger has her baby, they always seem to blog less and to be completely honest with you, I am okay with this. Because at this point, I no longer want to read about their happy lives with their sweet, adorable babies since it just reminds me I don’t have one and I now have nothing in common with this blogger. (Not that I ever did – I’m obviously not pregnant.)  
I even joined a group on Facebook and I actually comment along with other people.  I don’t even comment to my own Facebook friends! But these people are in the same boat as I am in and they are all very supportive of each other. I like reading their success stories and what they have/are doing to get pregnant. I find it very helpful.
All day long I think about how badly I want one.
All. Day. Long.
My own sweet bundle of joy with 10 fingers and 10 toes.
I enjoy day dreaming about how nice it would be to start our family (besides me, my husband and our dog of course) before I am 30.

Every time I see a baby or small child when I am out, I get some weird longing for it. I can’t stop staring and smiling at it. Sometimes I have at them in hopes they will wave back. And then, sometimes, I think about stealing it. Yep, I have thought about stealing other people’s babies. What kind of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind of person…. A crazy baby obsessed person!
I can’t help it! (I won’t ever follow through, but the desire to do it is bad enough.)
Even Matt tells me I get a look in my eyes when I see one and he wonders (jokingly) if he needs to be ready to stop me from running in the direction of the baby.
You know it is bad when even your husband is seeing signs of baby theft. 
Just saying!
Let me assure you, it’s not from our lack of trying. We have been married over 2 years now and not once have we practiced safe sex. Not once!
And now, over the last several months, we have really been trying to conceive with more effort. We have had more sex over the last several months then we have had the other year and a half we have been married. I have researched everything I can think of about conceiving and, I think, we are doing what we should be doing. I am eating healthier and drinking more water, I am exercising, I have been really good about taking my vitamins everyday (started prenatal pill 2 weeks ago opposed to multivitamin along with a probiotic and fish oil) and I have even stopped biting my nails! Not that you have to stop biting your nails to conceive…. I decided to do this because 1.) it is gross - although I do enjoy it and 2.) I don’t want to compromise my immune system by putting my possibly germy fingers in my mouth.
Sadly, I’m positive I have stupid Polycystic Ovary Syndrome also known as PCOS. Google it if you are unsure what this is. You will learn all sorts of things about it with the exception of how to cure it. As of now, they have no cure and they do not know what causes it. Or so they say. I am a bit bitter about it which just enhances my crazy baby obsessive tendencies therefore I have a theory – I think death and being ‘ill’ is a multibillion dollar industry therefore it would be stupid of them (government) to cure ‘illnesses’ such as PCOS. I could be wrong, this is just a theory I have settled on to, perhaps, comfort my crazy baby obsessive tendencies.
I was first told I have PCOS from my previous gynecologist (4 years ago) who I hated and never went to see after two visits. Four if you count the time I went there to have blood work done only to be called later in the evening to be asked if I had ate that day. I had. No one told me to fast. So the next morning I had to go back there for a second round of blood work.
Have I mentioned I don’t like needles being poked into my skin?
My current gynecologist is much better than my last one.  After checking my lady parts and blood work the first year I was with her, she stated pretty much the same.  
Because I am so *lucky* to have PCOS, I barely get any periods which I’m sure doesn’t help the fact that I want to ovulate and my body doesn’t care what I want. Stupid PCOS! And thanks to my PCOS I also get unwanted facial hair and hair on my toes and hair from my belly button to the bottom of my stomach and on my breasts and maybe some other unwanted hair I don’t even realize I shouldn’t have on my body. Oh, and thanks to PCOS I have a hard time losing weight even though I have been very good about going to the gym AT LEAST 3 times a week for an hour since January minus one week when I was sick and another week while I was on vacation. I have only lost 22 pounds in 6 months. (I am now 179 pounds – 5’4 height.)
Yes, this is good, but as hard as I am working at the gym and eating less and drinking more, I feel I should be losing even more weight.
I am hoping to remedy the weight issue by counting carbohydrates effective this coming Monday. I need to go to the grocery store before then to buy a few different things from what I currently eat. Less carbohydrates means my PCOS should be better controlled since people with PCOS have issues with their body properly handling insulin. (This is why most – maybe all – women who suffer from PCOS are pre-diabetic.)
Almost every month, I take a pregnancy test. You know, just in case. Although I am always sure they will be negative, I secretly always hope they will be positive. But I really do try to tell myself not to hope for a positive. Because when they actually do show negative, I am just sad and depressed for the rest of the day. I don’t even like telling Matt when I take a test anymore. No point in making us both a little sad.
Ovulation predictor tests don’t make me happy either. I have never had a positive one of those.
At the end of July I have an appointment with my gynecologist.
2 years ago, we discussed Clomid to help me ovulate and hopefully conceive. I declined at the time because I thought for sure Matt and I would be able to do this on our own. Boy was I wrong. Just shows you how little I actually know about my own body.
Before she will give me Clomid, I am sure I will be given a round of Provera which should force my body to have a period. My last period was March 9-13 and before that I had one September 10-13. Way too long in between cycles. I might even call my gynecologist’s office to get the prescription prior to my appointment. I haven’t already done it because I am pretty sure she will want to see me before giving it to me. Boo!
In the coming months, I am going to try and stay hopeful that Clomid will work for us. If not, I know the next step would be to add in Metformin. I am okay with doing this as well. I am not sure I want to bother with IVF. I don’t want to waste thousands of dollars on fertility treatment s for a chance of becoming pregnant. If it was a sure thing, I would suffer through it no matter what. That’s just not the case though.
I think if it comes to this point, we will look into adoption. As much as I would like to be pregnant and experience everything related to pregnancy, I know it doesn’t matter how Matt and I get our children. Either way, by pregnancy or adoption, any children we are giving by GOD will be the children we were always meant to be with.
So between now and my appointment in July, I will continue to eat as good as I can while chugging gallons of water and slaving away at the gym on which ever machine catches my eye. (I might be exaggerating a bit with that last sentence.)
Either way, I am not getting any younger.
Neither are my eggs.
I’ll be 30 at the end of this year….  I am going to continue to pray we get pregnant before then.  
Please keep us in your prayers.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for the comment on my blog! PCOS is a huge pain in the butt (ovaries?) but it sounds like you're already on your way to doing what you can to try and combat it. 22 pounds in 6 months is awesome, especially if you're not on Metformin. Before I got pregnant, I put myself on the low amylose diet (there's a group on Facebook and Christina SubfertileFrugalista on Youtube does a great job of explaining it.) It's difficult, I won't lie, but it helped me lose weight. I would recommend starting some version of it before going on the Metformin so that you don't get the tummy troubles that plagued me for months. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. It sounds like you've already done a lot of research, but it doesn't hurt to have someone to talk to!